2011

I have seen and heard so many things happen this year. People losing loved ones, pets that meant the world to them, losing jobs, some gaining new jobs,finding love in random places,jobs failing into place, family being brought back together after months of being apart. Best friends becoming nothing more then a hello here or there,people finding out that something they wished for and dreamed for is never going to come true, losing a career you thought that you would always be with. Having loved ones be gone for work all the time, having new miracles born. Tears have been shed this year, good ones, bad ones, confused ones, hurt ones and Happy joyful ones. I don't understand why a lot of these things happened and I know that I never will. God has a reason for them and we just have to let him do his thing. With the Holidays coming on I know where I stand. I know what is going to happen to me in the end. I am no longer afraid of what tomorrow brings, whether it be good, bad, scary, or just normal everyday life. I know that I am going to get through it and that everything will be ok in the end. Having this peace in my heart reminds me that not everybody feels the same way I do. So as I sit here and think about everyone in my life and the way each one of you have helped me learn, grow and become the person that I am, as well as the person I will continue to grow into I find myself saying a prayer for each of the individuals and families that have had good times and bad this year. I am sure many agree with me when I say I cant wait for this year to be over and for next year to be here. A fresh start, a new beginning,and new goals to work towards. That's what so many people look forward to when Jan 1st comes along each year. I dread the day... it puts me one step closer to 30.. Ugh lol j/k. I am not scared about getting old,I am blessed to have the best husband in the world to stand by my side no matter what is going on. The love that the two of us shares is something that I have never felt so strongly in my life. Even though he spends most his time at away from home we cherish every moment together. It hasn't always been like this, but god has worked on our hearts and in our minds and showed us what needed to be done in order for us to make things right and to flow the way that he wants them to. Even when I am stressed out and think that there is no where to go and there is no way out of it, Chris stands by me and helps me figure out what needs to be done next. As we continue into this Holiday season I wish the Brown Family some happiness, I pray that you will find peace in this season and a light at the end of the tunnel. For the Levy family I wish you many more years of love, You two are amazing parents and a great couple! I pray that Doug will be able to spend more time at home and that you will be blessed with all the children you want. For Miss. Sarah Flint I hope that you find happiness again, I pray that you learn to love yourself for who you are and learn to live again. Miss. Katie Diss I love you girl, my wish for you this holiday season is to find true happiness, to figure out what it is that you want out of your life and to be truly happy from the bottom of your heart to that beautiful smile on your face, you deserve it girl! For the Kolkman clan my wish for you this holiday is to get through school and have all your dreams come true, I have faith in both of you to get through your schooling and becoming the amazing people you are growing up to be :). For the Williams family, You guys are wonderful people and I am so blessed to have you in my life, My wish for you this year is that Justin will be home for Christmas to spend JD's first Christmas with him and your beautiful older son Cole. For the Thomas family, my wish for you all is that you guys get settled into Texas and that Nick gets to be with his family more.The Moyes family, my wish for you all is that you have a safe trip home to Utah and that you are able to find a house quickly, You guys are a wonderful, amazing family and we are going to miss you so much when you are gone! For the Furlong family my wish for you both is that you continue to find happiness in your lives, you are a great couple and have taught us so much. The Jones family I wish you happiness and lots of love through out the Holidays. I love each and everyone of you very much and hope that you all have a wonderful holiday season. For our holiday season the one true wish I have for Chris is that his brother Mike is able to understand that we all make mistakes and that even though we make mistakes we never stop loving one another. Mike has been a missing link in our family for a few years now. My hope and wish for this year is that Chris, Mike and I are able to put the past in the past and build a relationship the way it should have been from the beginning. I love you big brother even though there has not been much of that going around, I apologize for the things that I have done and said that have hurt you. I am not perfect and I should have apologized a long time ago. I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday season! Best wishes, Tabitha

Feeling Better

I guess I did not realize how bad and down and out I have been feeling the past couple of months, maybe even years. Being depressed and feeling like there was nothing that I wanted to do or could do to make myself feel better. I started a new all natural product recently that has helped me see that I have not been able to be the fun loving cheerful me in a long time. I used to love to go hang out with my friends and be out doing stuff. Here in the last two to three years I have not wanted to do any of that. It was a stay at home in my pajamas and not deal with the world type of life style for me. Unless I was going to doctors appointments or going to work. I was ok with going on late night drives so that I did not have to deal with people and traffic. I could hide in the comfort of my vehicle cause nobody could see me. Whoa wait a minute what happened to the person i used to be, what happened to the person who was always going out with friends and was never home, always had something on my plate to do. I remember working two jobs and helping a friend raise her kids cause she was struggling at the time and still had time to do what I wanted. In the past couple of years just working one job and going to school has taken a toll on me. I know that I have been sick but I really want at least some part of my life back, where I enjoy going out and being with people and not sitting at home. I have finally started to feel that way again in the last month. I feel like I am starting to find little pieces of me and what makes me happy and what makes me tick. Dont get me wrong I have been happy for the last three years. I love my family and I would not trade them for anything, I have been ok with doing nothing but working and going to school or taking care of my husband and animals and Kelsey. But I felt like I lost a part of me along the way, and am finally starting to get that back. I feel like I can breath again. I finally know what it is I want out of life and am working towards reaching that goal and becoming the person that I want to be. The person God wants me to be. Its an interesting journey and I don't know where I will be or how I will get there, but I know the only thing that I can do is leave the worries and concerns and the things that I cant change up to the Lord and let him guide me where he will. We have had a lot of heartache and disappointments over the last couple of years, and even over the last couple of months. We are having to put the plans and process of buying a house on hold for a little while. This of course is a hard thing to do, it is something that we have dreamed about being able to do since we first got together. But you have to do what you have to do. It will probably be about another year or so before we can make this a reality in our lives. By then who knows where we will be at what will be going on in our lives.It brakes my heart to have to give up on a dream that we have been working toward for years now, at least for the time being. I am looking forward to Wednesday of this next week, we are getting family photos done for the first time since Kelsey became a part of our family. One of the ladies that I go to school with is taking them for us and I cant wait. I hope that everybody is doing well and had a great holiday weekend!

I have had major learning experiences. This one is the hardest for me. To have to sit back and watched loved ones make decisions that will probably hurt them or make them unhappy in the end and not say anything. Anybody who knows me knows that I have a hard time keep my mouth shut. But this time I know I can't speak my mind. What I think and the hurt that it has caused me is nobodies issue but mine and if I voice it or say something about it its just going to cause more problems. I don't want to cause problems. Its tearing me up inside and im ready to scream and yell and pull my hair out. But we are all adults and that's not very adult like. I guess I will just keep it bottled up and not say anything.

The past

I have so many friends that I have reconnected with from my past. I love the fact that you can reconnect and be friends and be there for each other like we did when we were younger. The one thing that I have come to learn is that even when you think that people are who they say they are it isnt always true, I tried to help out someone who was very close to me and who I considered family, did everything that I could to help that person out of a bad situation. After doing everything that I could and helping that person get into a better place in their life it was all thrown back in my face today. I am trying to be happy and trying not to get to pissed about it, but it is hard when you feel betrayed and used. I know that its whatever makes the person happy is the best thing for them. But how am I suppose to do that when I feel like everything I did was a waste of time. The money I spent the time together, everything that I did to make them feel better and all I get is a flipping email to say it was all a waste of time.... Are you kidding me.... At least have the respect for me to pick up the phone and talk to me and let me know whats going on. Sending an email is the worst thing that could have been done. I am not some trash that you can throw away on the side of the road and not think about again. I cant do it any more. I cant be the one who stands there and helps through the problems just to be put aside, I am not the person that is ok with being used. I will do anything to help a friend out, if you are a part of my family there is nothing that I wont do. Open my house, help out financially when I can whatever takes. All I ask in return is that you help yourself out and make good decisions for yourself and your kids. Those decisions are not mine to make. Each individual has to make their own decisions for what is best for themselves and there family. So I am off my soap box and over the whole thing. Im done and I wont do it any more.

Hard tines

Dealing with all of the mixed emotions and doubts that nave come up lately has not been easy. Chris being gone all the time is driving me crazy. I hate being at home and not having him around. Hopefully the company will figure out a way to get him home more.
Dealing with the financial issues that we have is driving me crazy. I feel like we take 10 steps forward and a 100 steps backwards every couple of months. Im tired of it. We are making great strides in getting things paid off but I am so tired of not knowing month to month if we are going to have a roof over our heads or food on the table or electricity or whatever else. Im just done with it. I can't take it anymore. I just want to be ok and for the stress to go away for a while. Just to be able to breath for once would be nice. Hopefully one day I will be able to do that....

Wow just Wow

I am not the type of person to judge someone else and how they deal with their family. Everyone has their own way of doing it and their opinions on how it should be done. I listen, I help when I am asked but most the time I have learned after many many years to keep my mouth shut and stay out of it. But when someone butts into my life and the way that I am dealing with my family it really pisses me off. Especially when people have no idea whats been going on for the last 6 years and have no idea how much I have changed from the ways that I used to be. Yes I screwed up, yes I lied and cheated and hurt a lot of people while I was growing up. But really who hasnt at some point in their life. I am NOT perfect and I never said I was, I do not know everything and never said I did. I have made my own bed and have had to lay in it many times. Does this mean that I am a bad person, in my eyes no, it means that I am a human and am bound to make mistakes. As long as I move forward and learn from my mistakes then I think that is all that anybody could ask of me. So to those that I have wronged in my life and I know who you are and I am sure that you know you who I are, I want to apologize for the lies that were told, the hurtful things that were said, the backstabbing that went on, the rumors that were told and anything else that I may have done to hurt you. It took me a while to grow up and realize that what I was doing was wrong. Right should have known from the beginning that it was wrong, but at the time it was all about me and what I needed to do for me. I am sorry that I was selfish and self serving and I hope that you all can see that I am not the same person any more. I have moved on with my life, have gone through some very scary life threatening things that have made me realize that there is no room in my life for these types of actions. If I want to be loved and be able to love others it starts with me changing my actions. I believe that I have been doing that over the years. I am still a work in progress, but those that are standing with me and are walking this path with me will realize that I will always be a work in progress,but at least its progress. I cant change the fact that I made mistakes in my past but only I can fix the hurt that I caused and only I can make myself a better person. I am doing everything that I can to be the wife I want to be for my husband. Trying to take care of his needs as well as keep the house going and the bills paid. This is not always an easy task with him being gone all the time, but I am making it happen. I am trying to be the best "mother" that I can be to Kelsey. I know she is an adult but there are times that she still needs me to be the "mom" she did not have growing up. I am trying to be the best friend that I can be, yes there are times that I don't answer my phone or it takes a couple of days for me to get on fb and comment on something that is going on, I know I don't keep in contact with my friends the way that I should. I have a busy life and I know that my friends do as well. All I can say is I am trying to do what I can and be there for everyone who needs me. I am only one person and can only do so much. I am trying to be the best big sister that my little brother could ask for, I wish that I could spend more time with him. He is a wonderful, amazing young man and I love him to pieces! ( I would never say that to his face cause at 13 that would totally embarrass him :) LMAO) I am trying to be the best daughter I can be, not only for my dad by doing what I can to help him out, but also to my mom. I know a lot of people would tell me that she doesn't deserve it after everything that she has done to me, for those people I say God tells us to forgive those who have wronged us, That I have done, I will never forget what she has done to me, but I have forgiven her. I am trying to do everything that I can for my in-laws. I know I know that's not a word that the family likes to use. I can only do so much and I feel at times that it gets thrown back in my face. That's why I have stopped doing a lot of what I used to do. I don't know what else to do or what else to say that will help any more. I love my family even with the troubles that it has and would do whatever I could to help most of them. I love my friends and would do anything I could to help them out as well. For those of you that have stood by me and watched me grow and learn my lessons and those of you that continue to stand by me THANK YOU. There's nothing else I can really say.

Amazing stuff

I did something that I never thought I would do. After years of dealing with the anger and hatred that I held for my biological mother and after all the lies I dealt with from her, I finally forgave her. I have many reasons for my decision and the main one is my niece. I want to be able to have a relationship with her. There have been so many lies and so many changes within this side of my family over the last couple of years that I was not sure that I really wanted to deal with it. But after lots of prayers and lots of thoughts I decided it was time. I sat down and wrote her two letters explaining where I was coming from and what was going in my life, and what I wanted from her and expected of her. She called me yesterday and we talked for over an hour. It was a great conversation, yes I have to keep in mind that she does lie about stuff and take a lot of what she says with a grain of salt. But as long as I do that things will be ok. It was great to talk to my niece and make sure that she is doing ok. Knowing that we are close to them and I can go see my niece and spend time with her is a great feeling. I am still kind of mixed on the relationship with my mom. I am not sure how close I want to get and how far I want to take that relationship. I guess we will just have to wait and see how it goes over time. As far as things down here in this beautiful state of Texas things are good. We are close to one of the fires, but so far it has not put us in danger. We are keeping track of it as much as possible and making sure we are ready to go if it does get to close.

Harley went into the vet on Tuesday and got her shots and spayed. She was mad at me all day Wednesday and would not come near me until Thursday. She was sleepy and moody but as of yesterday she is back to her normal self being a pain in the but lol. We love her anyways :).

Confederate is now here in Texas with us full time. He seems to be happy he is here and is doing great. He has slimmed down since the last time that he was here and is in great health. We are glad to have him with us and to be able to have our whole family together again for the most part.

Sasha turns 13 this month. She is doing well, her hips give her problems some times but she still plays with Confederate and gets excited when we come home. She is shedding like no tomorrow but that's ok. We will get through it.

Kelsey sue is doing great! She is finishing up some school stuff and is getting excited for college. She has recently been in contact with an aunt and uncle that she has not talked to in a very long time. She is very excited about it and is looking forward to what life is going to bring her. She is not longer dating Jason, but is happy being single and is enjoying life. Her 19th birthday is right around the corner and she is very excited for it. We have not decided what we are going to do for it, but it will be remember able like always. We love her very much and are so proud of her and the things that she is accomplishing in her life. She is working part time and loves her job.

Chris is doing well. He has been working here in Texas for the last two weeks, Unfortunately he was not working close to home so he was not able to be at home, but from the sounds of it he will be here more then he will be in North Dakota. He will still have to go back and forth but hopefully he will be down here more. Things are changing around the company again so it will be interesting to see what comes of it all further down the road. I am doing well. Health seems to be doing well, minus the migraine headaches and my left knee going crazy. See the doctor on Monday for that. We have met some amazing people down here and I am so happy to be able to call them friends. They have really helped out in a pinch and are wonderful people. Sadly some of our great friends are going to be leaving to go back home to Utah in Jan, We will miss the Moyes family very much but at least we can stay in contact with them :). Brittany and Tiffany have been great friends and a load of help for us down here. They are both very loving people and I am so thankful they are in my life as well as kelseys. I hope that this finds everybody doing well! Love you all.