Change of heart

I was rereading my last couple of blogs and realized that the way I was feeling was really showing in what I was writing. I have been going through varying degrees of depression and feel like everything has been a pity party and that's not who I am as a person and it kills me to think that there's where I have been the last couple of months. I have come to the conclusion that changes need to be made. I hit a low the other night and was ready to say forget it... I give up.... I cant do this anymore.... And was totally serious about it. That scared the crap out of me. I have not felt that low since I was in high school. So I turned to a friend of mine about it and was trying to talk to them...That did not work out so well. You can only expect your friends to support you when they have the time and when they understand what you are truly going through. That is not meant to be mean or anything like that, I totally understand that we all have busy lives and it is not easy to drop everything that you are doing and take care of your friends when they call. So I am not upset about the fact that the person I tried talking to was not able to help at the time. But as I was sitting on my bed and was crying and trying to figure out what it was I was going to do I made a comment on my fb that got the attention of a lot of people, which was not something that I had wanted or had expected. It was late at night and I figured nobody was really on. I was wrong, way wrong. So here is the point where I say God was truly with me that night and was watching over me. My daughter Kelsey was the first one to send me a text and ask me if I was ok. I love her to death and would do anything in the world for her, She is one of the reasons I fight to stay alive. But when it comes to the way that I am feeling I cant always tell her because I don't want her to worry any more then she does,there is just somethings you don't share with your children.(Sorry Sweetie I love you, but its true.:)) So then a couple of my friends sent me text messages and asked what was going on, I talked to a few of them and got the typical "Im Sorry Sweetie, I hope things get better", I appreciate the gesture, but that night none of this was helping. My cousin sent me a message that was related to God on my page, I do not remember what exactly the post said at this time but it was enough to get me to start talking to her on the message thing on fb. She was exactly what I needed that night. She is going through a heck of a lot more then I am and all I could do was sit there and ball while I was throwing myself a pity party. There were so many things that I was complaining about that was not a life changing thing and it is not something that should have made me feel the way that I was feeling. So after talking to her and reading the bible and praying I realized again for the 100th time in my life that God has a plan for me. No matter what I am going through, He is going to be there guiding me through this and planning my life every step of the way. I forget this at times and forget to look up instead of looking out. So THANK YOU ROBYN for the love and support that you showed me that night and for reminding me that things are not always as bad as we think they are. I am flipping the leaf over and looking at the positive things in my life.

Now on to the medical side of things. The doctors have said that everything is going the way they want it. The cancer is getting smaller and has stopped growing 100 percent as of the last batch of tests that were run. This is GREAT news. This is what the doctor were going for when I started treatments. Now that we are doing two different types of treatment they are hoping that it will be completely gone and we will be able to stop the treatments by the end of August. That is two and a half months away. For me to think that I will be back on the road to being healthy and making myself better physically by the 1st of September is like a dream come true. For the last two years I feel like I have been nothing but sick, or going through surgery or something like that. I cant wait for the day that I can say I have been cancer free for this many days, weeks, months, years, I will post more information on my treatments and what they are and how they work later on. As for now there is talk that I will not have to go through surgery and that Chris and I may be able to have children of our own. Which any one who knows me, knows that is something that I have really wanted for a long time.

Thank you all for keeping track of me and listening to my down days as well as my good days. I love you all and I hope that you all have a FANTASTIC summer!!!!